Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
