the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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