i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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