she woke up with a sticky ear
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
