Soap is not a condiment
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Drake has all the answers
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
