He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
