i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
