I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
