You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
