If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
