i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
