I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
