I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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