apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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