I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
