True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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