guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
