I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
