I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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