you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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