Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
