you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
