u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
so explain again why im purple
no
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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