Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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