Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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