I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
