Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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