I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
