I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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