Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
