The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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