Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I've blown a few things in my day
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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