Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
