he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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