my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
