Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i think i just lost a toe
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
