Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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