I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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