yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
