Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
