apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
