So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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