I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
PANTIES FOUND
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