Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
