and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
