Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
