I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
