My Higher Power is John Stamos
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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