you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
