My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Blood and glitter go together right?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
