I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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