She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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