I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
