Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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